DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I discovered my husband has been cheating on me, I’ve become obsessed with tracking down his other women.
I’m 34 and he is 36, but his type appears to be women in their 50s and 60s — who certainly look their age.
It’s like he is two different people, and I don’t know one of them
I feel so hurt and confused.
We’ve been married for seven years and have a son aged four.
I had no idea anything was up until I found dodgy messages on his phone, which led me to videos on a swingers’ website.
What I saw rocked my world. Every single video he’d watched focused on much older women.
Without exception, they were all wearing trampy clothes and had badly dyed hair.
Even worse, the messages showed he had had sex with some of them.
I confronted him about this and he begged forgiveness, saying it was just a one-off.
But I know he’s lying, as there were several women.
It’s like he is two different people, and I don’t know one of them — the sleazy, sex-mad cheat.
We’ve always had a very active and enjoyable sex life, so it’s not as if he needed to look elsewhere.
I feel sick thinking about the times we’ve had sex without using condoms, knowing that he was sleeping with them too.
At night, I lie awake tormenting myself.
I want to know every detail of what he did, and with whom, and I want to talk to these women to find out what they have that I don’t.
But he’s now unsubscribed from the website and deleted the messages, so I can’t.
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He’s always been a loving partner and a fantastic dad.
Now it feels like he’s destroyed our relationship and our family.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve had a horrendous shock and are reeling.
Some men cheat with seemingly out-of-character behaviour, after they had appeared to be the perfect husband.
This comes from a fear of losing all identity, and cheating is their one way of expressing themselves.
Your husband has destroyed your trust and made you now question everything.
Tell him how you’re feeling. Say you need to understand his desire for older women.
It could be as simple as that he goes for a completely different type to you to keep the two entirely separate in his mind.
You were happy before you discovered his infidelities, and you have a child to think about.
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You would benefit from sexual and relationship counselling – alone and/or together. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8543 2707) will help you find help.
Please also have a full sexual health check. He must do this, too. Find your local clinic on nhs.uk.