DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I came home from work early one day I was horrified to find my wife performing a sex act on our neighbour.
To add insult to injury, she was giving him oral, and she has never done that for me in the ten years we’ve been married — she told me she found the idea disgusting.
I found my wife cheating with another man
It turns out he’s just one of her many lovers.
I guess I didn’t get the memo saying we were in an open marriage.
I am 40 and she is 38. I have been faithful to her since the day we met.
Perhaps I’m naive, but I never suspected she was cheating on me.
I thought she didn’t like sex much.
She has always wanted to do it with the lights off, and she would never try anything new. I put up with it because I loved her so much.
Now I know she just didn’t like sex with me.
I only found out about her infidelity because I got a migraine at work last week.
I felt so bad I had to leave the office early to come home to rest. My wife wasn’t working that day and I was hoping for tea and sympathy.
Instead, I found her head buried in a man’s naked lap, while he lay back on my sofa.
For a second I thought I was going to throw up. Then I shouted at him to leave, threw his trousers at him, and he ran out of my house.
My wife said she was sorry I’d seen that, but I was overreacting because it meant nothing.
When I pressed her, she admitted having had at least nine lovers since we were married.
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I don’t know who she is any more.
I’ve never felt so much pain. She thinks I should forgive and forget, but I don’t see a way forward in my marriage.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You have had a horrible shock, not just seeing your wife have sex with another man, but also learning that she has cheated throughout your marriage.
Right now, totally understandably, you want to walk away from your marriage.
But it sounds like until this incident, you were generally happy with your wife.
Once the shock wears off, it’s possible you will want to attempt to put this behind you and try again.
My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? may then be of use.
If you are to have a future, your wife will need to talk to you about your sex life honestly, so you can understand what went wrong and get to the root cause of her multiple liaisons.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
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I can’t get hard with my wife, but have no trouble with my lovers
Relationship counselling – alone and/or together – could help you work through your feelings.
You can find support at tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).