I’m a sexpert – here’s 8 red flag signs of trouble in your sex life 0 45

KEEPING the sexual passion alive in a relationsip is no easy task.

A good sex life is not just about how much you do it, but how satisfying it is.

GettyTracey Cox reveals the signs your sex life is in the dumps[/caption]

That’s accroding to Tracey Cox, relationships expert and author.

You and your partner may know everything about each other.

But when it comes to sex, how open are you about what turns you on (and off)?

Communication is the cornerstone of a vibrant sex life, Tracey says.

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“Treats”, masturbation and initiation are also important.

Speaking to MailOnline, Tracey reveals your sex life might be in trouble if…

Sex feels like a chore

Tracey says it’s normal to occasionally think of sex as a chore, or do it simply to please your partner. 

“What I’m talking about here is different: it’s feeling weary at the prospect of ALL sex sessions,” she says.

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“Seeing it as something to tick off the ‘to do’ list, rather than a source of pleasure and connection.”

She says stress and not enough sleep are usually the two factors that drive a disinterest in sex. 

“Too much of one, not enough of the other,” she says. 

“Routine sex is the other biggie: predictability is a lust killer.”

You don’t masturbate

If you don’t masturbate, you’re missing out on “crucial” information, Tracey says. 

“It’s how we learn what arouses us and what technique works to make us climax,” she says.

“Having regular orgasms reminds us how good sex feels, making us more likely to seek out sex with our partners.

“Physically, orgasms are good for you because they increase blood flow, improve circulation and heart health, reduce stress and promote feelings of well-being.”

She says people should aim to masturbate at least once a week.

But while stats show men tend to do it 2-3 times a week, women only do so once a week or less so.

You haven’t figured out what you like 

How can you get the best from your partner, when you don’t even know what you want?

Tracey says “you have to know what you want, in order to ask for it”.

Once you and your partner know more about what you both like, the better the sex will be.

She says: “If you don’t know what technique suits you, what pressure and speed, where it feels best and when you like it, your chances of having a lifetime of great sex are extremely low.

“Think about what arouses you. Watching or reading something sexy? Running a fantasy in your head? Seeing your partner undress or naked?

“What part of sex do you enjoy best? Being stroked? Oral sex? Using sex toys? Dressing up and exciting your partner? How do you have most of your orgasms? What’s the most reliable way for you to orgasm?

“Once you’ve figured all this out, tell your partner.”

Your partner is a taker 

Are you a giver or a taker?

Whatever you are – and Tracey says there is no perfect balance – you may feel hard done by in your sex life.

“If you feel like you do all the work during sex and your partner simply lies back and takes, resentment sets in,” Tracey says. 

“If your partner rarely returns the favour by pleasuring you and it’s something you want them to do, speak up.”

Blaming your partner for being lazy or being a taker is not going to get you anywhere.

Tracey says: “Tactfully pointing out that the balance is uneven, will. (‘I love our sex but lately I feel like I’m the one making all the effort. Can we switch roles and I get to lie back and enjoy next time?’)”

One person always initiates

If your sex life is in the dumps, consider who always initiates sex.

Tracey says: “If sex doesn’t happen unless you suggest it, your partner is sending a clear message: I don’t really like having sex with you and only do it to please you.

“This is why initiating sex more often is one of the most important things you can do to improve your sex life.

“Not only will it make your partner happy, being the one to say ‘Hey, how about it?’ makes you feel sexier and more powerful.

“Shifting the power dynamic from ‘chased’ to ‘chaser’ increases confidence and libido.”

You don’t plan sexual treats

It’s one you’ve heard before – buy a new sex toy, a weekend away or a new set of lingerie.

But how often do you do it? 

Tracey says: “Sexual treats are things you do together to celebrate sex. 

“Turn it into an event. A way of showing each other that sex is something you treasure and look forward to.

“You might watch a movie or TV show with sex scenes you know you’ll both enjoy. Try something you’ve always wanted to. Have a bath with a glass of champagne, before heading to bed for a leisurely sex session.”

Tracey recommended a “sex treat” every month, or at least every two months.

You never “warm up”

Without warming yourself up prior to sex, you’re probably not going to enjoy it as much, Tracey sas. 

We imagine “warming up” as the role of our partner. But Tracey says if you’re waiting around for it, take the initiative to do it yourself, or it might never happen.

“This might mean disappearing to the bathroom with your phone and a vibrator for a bit. It might mean having a bath and fantasising,” she says.

“Do whatever works for you to start sex ‘warm’ not ‘cold’ – you’re far more likely to enjoy it and climax if you do.”

You don’t talk about sex

Tracey finishes on her most important tip.

She says “it’s impossible to have a great sex life without good communication”.

“Being able to talk openly about what you like and don’t like in bed, discuss any changes you’re experiencing and how sex is feeling for you right now, without embarrassment or fear of being judged, is crucial,” Tracey says.

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“It’s never too late to start talking about sex and it’s easy to start the conversation.

“Wait until you’re chatting comfortably, then say, ‘Have you noticed we never talk about sex together? I read an article saying all couples should do it. Shall we give it a try? It might be fun/interesting’.”

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My bitter ex told lies to my friends about my ‘small manhood’ after I dumped her 0 40

DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex is so bitter about being dumped that she is spreading nasty rumours around our friendship group – saying I’m rubbish in bed and have a small todger.

She never complained when we were together, but last week she told the girls in our group that being with me was “like kissing a soggy lettuce leaf” and that she “literally didn’t feel a thing when we were having sex” because I’m so small.

My ex is so bitter about being dumped that she is spreading nasty rumours around our friendship group – saying I’m rubbish in bed and have a small todger

I’m 25 and she’s 24. I think part of it is jealousy.

She knows a couple of the other girls fancy me and I think she’s trying to sabotage any chance I have with them.

Not that I’m even planning anything.

She’s so insecure and has a vicious tongue on her.

I’m tempted to let each of her so-called friends know what she really says about them in private.

Even her best friend gets a nasty critique every time she posts anything on Instagram.

Get in touch with Deidre

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk

You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

Her top is either too short, or her hair looks like wire, or her laugh is fake . . . it goes on and on.

I don’t regret splitting up with her but this last trick has really infuriated me.

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DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t let yourself stoop to her level.

You can make it clear she is lying without playing her game, which would only escalate tensions and reflect badly on you.

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You could maybe reply with: “Let’s just say she never complained when we were together and nor have any of my other exes.”

Your friends will soon see her behaviour for what it is – jealous insecurity.

My partner said he was on a work trip – but he was actually getting married and on his honeymoon 0 28

DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner said he was on a work trip two months ago, but he had actually got married and been on honeymoon.

Our relationship had become a bit predictable, but we still had regular sex and nice days out with our two young sons.

My partner lied about his work trip – he was really on his HONEYMOON

I’m 32 and he’s 37. Our sons are four and two.

When he returned from his “work trip” he blamed me for his cheating, saying I had let myself go and didn’t pay him enough attention.

He then told me he’d “traded up” for a better model. It didn’t stop there.

He said that his wife, who is 27, is absolutely stunning and makes him feel special.

Apparently this woman was a barmaid he’d met on a golf trip and they had been seeing each other for six months.

He told me all this, then marched upstairs and packed his games console and his clothes and drove off out of my life.

The thing is, we always talked about getting married but when we had kids there always seemed something better to spend our money on.

Mutual friends have told me he has moved into a new-build home on the other side of our small town and his wife has plenty of family money.

My sons are really missing him and I don’t even know how I feel.

Sometimes when he comes to visit the boys I beg him to come home.

But other times I’m so angry with him, I refuse to let him in.

Now he is accusing me of stopping him from seeing his children.

Get in touch with Deidre

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk

You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

Surely he can’t just show up when he likes?

I’m a mess and need to start getting a grip for the kids’ sake.

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DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry your partner ended your relationship in such a cruel way.

This man sounds selfish and immature, and quite frankly the way he has treated you is emotionally abusive.

It won’t feel like it now, but you really are better off without him.

He is behaving like he still lives in your home, by just turning up unannounced.

Tell him firmly that you would encourage a good relationship between him and your sons but he can only collect them with prior arrangement.

Start to put down your boundaries.

I’m sending you my support pack When Parents Fall Out, which you could pass to him to help explain why you need to co-operate for the future wellbeing of your children.

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Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. He put you down constantly, now you can start to build up your confidence.

I’d recommend seeing a counsellor to help you with this betrayal and am sending you my Counselling support pack.

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