BRITISH men have come 66th in an international study of penis sizes from around the world.
They measured up at an average of 5.17in when erect, compared to our French neighbours at 6.20in.
Vanessa Feltz and partner Ben Ofoedu 
Vanessa says: ‘I’d like to know who got the job of chief measurer?’
Firstly, I’d like to know who got the job of chief measurer?
I’m a little disappointed nobody asked me. I have a radio show and am a grandmother of three, but I could have found time to squeeze that in as a little side hustle.
Secondly, I don’t know how you would substantiate such a list.
It seems to be pseudoscience of a positively anti-British nature and I would be devastated if any of my countrymen were to feel in any way less manly and exquisitely endowed.
Read more on penisese
WILLY HAPPY
I’ve had a penis on my arm for six years… now I finally feel like a real man
HEALTH CHECK
I’m a GP and here’s the answers to 4 penis questions you’re too afraid to ask
But does size actually matter?
To answer this question leaves me in somewhat of a dilemma, because women of a certain maturity know there is something you tell gentlemen and then there is something you secretly think to yourself.
I can give you the answer I would put forward in mixed company, which is: Absolutely not. All that really matters is the motion in the ocean.
It’s about the energy, foreplay and romantic titillation of the encounter, not the acreage, square footage, diameter or circumference.
Most read in Celebrity
GET OUT!
Huge snub for Harry, Meghan & Andrew as Queen BANS them from Jubilee balcony
OUCH!
Royal fans all saying same thing about Charles, Kate & Will's Archie bday message
PLEASURE ISLAND
Self love and sex toys aren't embarrassing, says Gemma Collins
ON THE BALL
Prince Harry 'set to play in polo tournament' during Queen's Platinum Jubilee
'NO SHAME'
I'm 51 and had a £2.5k Kim Kardashian bum boost, says Saira Khan
LIFE'S A BEACH
Stacey Solomon transforms a boring turtle sandpit using two simple steps
That’s the answer I’ve given both privately and publicly over the years.
But in truth, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here, for a man to unveil a small appendage, it’s impossible not to feel a slight frisson of disappointment.
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
However, I will add that in my experience, this disappointment is not always well founded.
A recent study found that size DOES matter.
Researchers at King’s College in London recruited 12 couples and reduced the size of the man’s appendage by an inch using a silicone ring around the base.
The couples had intercourse with and without the rings and the results showed the extra inch improved the sexual pleasure for the women.
But these were existing couples — of course the women were used to their partner’s natural length. To cut it short would no doubt change their sexual experience somewhat.
But I wouldn’t say that big is always necessarily better.
I’ll never forget in my wanton youth an encounter with a professional bodybuilder, which in those days was even more of a rare sight than it is now.
Frankly, the size of his biceps did establish a certain level of great expectations for what would be down below.
I remember the terrific shock to the system when I realised that although he’d developed his glutes and his pecs, there was one part of his body that lifting weights simply wouldn’t elongate.
The initial disappointment remains with me to this day.
Similarly, I can’t erase from my memory the cataclysmic shock when a slight gentleman of fairly diminutive frame turned out to possess a lunchbox of such grand dimensions. It was the stuff of fantasy.
My discretion compels me to draw a veil upon how deeply I explored the endowments of these two distinguished gentlemen.
But I can say that the bodybuilder displayed an ardour and endurance that more than made up for any shortcomings.
The small, thin fellow was so frighteningly well-endowed I was too intimidated to partake.
You see, us women know that it’s not all about penetration.
One study from Indiana University in the US found that 36.6 per cent of women needed clitoral stimulation to reach climax, and in that case, it would follow that the size of the penis matters far less.
Men who might be less endowed should hopefully find other, more creative, ways to please their partner.
Frankly, if the unsheathing of the sword reveals a somewhat miniature piece of equipment, that’s when women should remind themselves of the sensible advice that’s been given since time began: It’s about how it’s used and who you are with — and whether you actually fancy them or not.
The small, thin fellow was so frighteningly well-endowed I was too intimidated to partake.
You sharply jolly yourself out of that disappointment by reminding yourself very swiftly not to take these things at face value. And certainly not to whip out your tape measure.
GOLDEN RULE
While you want a man who is at least in a proportion — not vastly out of kilter with the shape of the rest of him — I do believe that if someone is very sexy, talented at what they do in the boudoir department and takes the time (someone who smells nice, is a good kisser and doesn’t fumble around in an unpleasant way) then the size just becomes much less relevant and pivotal.
But if the person is really clumsy, cack-handed and selfish, then the fact their penis is piffling will seem quite relevant.
If you fall for a man and love him unconditionally, then his penis is just a part of him.
But if you don’t love him then it’s easier to focus on the size, and you think, “Actually mate, never again. You have a penis like an acorn and I’m not into it.”
But I would add, and this is very important, you never say so. That’s the golden rule.
Never exclaim about the lack of girth or length. You must absolutely train yourself never to look horrified or pull out a magnifying glass.
You must always look enthralled and thrilled to bits. Always. That is fundamental to good manners.
And when it comes to my Ben? The thing that attracted me was his smile.
Read More on The Sun
MEGGING A MOVE
Meghan & Harry respond minutes after Queen bans them from balcony at Jubilee
BLING IT ON
Hamilton threatens to PULL OUT of first-ever Miami GP due to SECRET piercing
But he does take size 14½ shoes.
- As told to Joel Cooper
Vanessa says Ben take size 14½ shoes.
